


Why Spider Man ISN'T an Avenger

by Artemis_Dreamer



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clintasha References, Crack, FrostIron - Freeform, Hazing, Humor, Multi, Plenty of Snark, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:12:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Dreamer/pseuds/Artemis_Dreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the passionate relationship between Iron Man and the God of Mischief is prominent enough to send the Avengers' newest recruit (quite literally) running for the hills.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Spider Man ISN'T an Avenger

“So, how’re my freeloaders doing this morning?” Tony Stark asked smirkingly, as he strode into the kitchen of the Avengers Tower. It was mid-morning, he was clad in only a (way-too-short) bathrobe, and he hadn’t had a single cup of coffee yet – a fact that meant that his harsh tongue was still untempered.

“Freeload this, jackass,” Clint replied, chucking a half-eaten croissant at the billionaire. Said billionaire dodged, and his smirk broadened – business as usual. 

(Call it a brotherly relationship that he had with the archer: where one brother holds the purse strings, the other brother provides the sass, and there’s plenty of mutual loathing.)

“Why so touchy today, Legolas? Did we keep you awake? “ Tony mocked, referring quite clearly to the noisy sexual liaison that he’d had last night. 

“You certainly kept me awake,” Bruce sighed, nursing his cup of mint tea with a tired expression on his features. 

It was now that Natasha spoke up, from where she was seated on the table, eating dry cereal with her fingertips. “You also kept me up. Honestly though, if you can consistently make HIM so vocal, I may reconsider giving you a test drive.”

She was joking (hopefully), but that didn’t stop Clint from turning red and sputtering furiously; Hawkeye had become very protective of the Black Widow since they had officially announced their relationship. 

“I only take passengers who won’t permanently damage the equipment,” Tony replied, cutting off Barton’s outrage. “Hate to say it, but unlike Cupid here, I won’t let you put knives near my cock just because you’re gorgeous.”

Natasha had to conceded that this was a reasonable point, but that didn’t stop her from calling him a “close-minded American” before stalking out of the room with her cereal. 

“Thanks, Iron Dork. Piss her off.” Clint grumbled sourly. “Just when I thought that our morning sex would be the only waterboarding that I got today.”

Tony muttered the words “poor bastard” under his breath in lieu of an apology, and set about making himself a cup of dark coffee.

This, in all honesty, was a typical morning. Thor and Steve would already be downstairs in the training room, his lover was still taking a long hot shower, and there was a random teenage boy in a navy sweater sitting at his breakfast bar. 

Tony did a double take. “Bruce,” he asked “who the fuck let little boy blue here into my tower?”

“Ah, right, sorry.” Bruce apologized sheepishly. “I didn’t introduce you. Tony, this is Peter Parker, Director Fury’s newest addition to our team. Peter, this is Tony Stark, the man who’s funding my gamma radiation research.”

“You left out that I’m the goddamn Iron Man,” Tony sniped at Bruce (who didn’t appear particularly sorry this time), before turning his attention to the stunned-silent Peter.

“So, Peter Piper-”

“Parker.”

“I know. So, if Fury thinks we should babysit you, I need to know your gimmick.”

“Gimmick?” Peter echoed, clearly annoyed. “I don’t have a gimmick. I have superpowers which I use to save lives and combat evil.”

Oh great, Tony sighed internally. One of THOSE.

Bruce sighed aloud. “To put it another way, Tony, Peter is very proud of his powers. Anyway, you may know him from the news as Spider Man.”

Tony paused for a long moment, staring at the gangly teenager. Then, sinking down onto a chair, he took a long drink of his rapidly-cooling coffee.

“Looks like I’m going to need an exterminator, then,” he observed.

Clint guffawed loudly, while Bruce just groaned softly and cradled his head in his hands; he wasn’t sure why he even bothered going to team breakfasts anymore, since each one inevitably became a show of Stark Snark ™, hurt feelings, and general insults. 

Peter stared at Tony for a moment, and then replied with considerably less eloquence. “Is there a reason WHY Director Fury didn’t tell me that you’re a jerk?”

Tony glared, a glare that made Clint wince. This Parker kid wasn’t going to last long if he insisted on antagonizing Iron Dork before his second cup of coffee. However, the blistering return that the archer expected simply never came. 

“The old pirate probably wanted to surprise you,” Tony replied matter-of-factly. “He knows it’s no fun for me when he warns newbies ahead of time. What can I say, it’s-”

The billionaire began to say something else, but broke off upon hearing the whimper of horror that escaped Peter’s lips. 

“L-Loki…” the kid stuttered, looking past Tony towards the door of the kitchen. He was sheet white, absolutely terrified, and it was no wonder; the Avengers’ most powerful enemy was standing in the doorway. 

“Oh.” Tony turned unhurriedly to look at the villain, savoring the sight of the god in slightly-damp silk pyjamas. “Nice timing, babe. So, you’re finally done in the shower?” 

“After the way that you debauched me, Anthony, I doubt that even another hour would render me truly clean.” Loki returned the (reformed) playboy’s lustful gaze, smirking all the while. 

Tony paused, contemplating his next move as he recalled that there was a newbie in the room. Then, he earnestly weighed the options. Scoring with his gorgeous god, or preserving Arachnid Kid’s innocence. 

The first option won out, and Tony replied with a suggestive question. “Is that your way of asking for more, Lokes?” 

“Indeed,” Loki purred, causing the billionaire to visibly harden beneath his robe. “You are the one mortal who can unfailingly reduce me to my base desires, to a-“

“Wait! WAIT A SECOND!” Peter interjected loudly. To say that he was now confused was an understatement. Scared and uncomfortable, yes, but also really confused. 

“What the heck is going on?” He demanded, “Why aren’t you three doing something proactive about the BLATENTLY OBVIOUS VILLAIN?!”

“Well,” Bruce began a hesitant reply. “Perhaps there are a few things that we need to tell you about how we handle Earth’s primary threat.”

Peter blinked.

“Loki lives here,” Clint clarified. “For more than a year now, and he’s been fucking Tony the entire time. So, if your room’s going to be on the north side, here’s a protip: get earplugs.” 

“S-so they’re lovers?” Peter stuttered disbelievingly, trying to ignore the evidence (namely, the fact that the billionaire and the chaos god had started making out right in front of him).

The newbie watched in silence as Loki untied Tony’s robe, beginning to slither it off the shorter man’s shoulders, all the while pressing vicious kisses along Tony’s neck. 

When the robe came off, though, that’s about when Peter flat-out panicked. “This is hazing. This has to be hazing. This IS hazing, right?!” He was practically hyperventilating, his face was bright red, and his voice had risen to a remarkable pitch.

“Sorry,” Bruce replied ruefully, trying to avoid eye contact with either the distressed teenager or the inappropriately affectionate couple. 

It was then that said couple drew everyone’s attention back to him, as Tony smirked at Fury’s new recruit. “If you can’t stand the heat,” the billionaire panted out, grinding wantonly against Loki’s hips, “then you can get the Hell out of my kitchen.”

Peter didn’t need to be told twice. He quite literally bolted from the room, getting from the kitchen to the stairs in record time, and then taking those stairs down at a bounding pace. 

This is not what I signed up for… this is not what I signed up for… The words looped in his mind as he tried to reconcile the idea of one of Earth’s mightiest heroes fucking Earth’s biggest threat. He found that he couldn’t. There is no universe, he thought, in which that is remotely okay. 

Peter ran past the bus stop, past the park, and was going so damn fast that he nearly missed the side street that led to SHIELD HQ.

To say that he would be quitting, ON THE SPOT, was putting it delicately. 

\---

Meanwhile, in the Tower kitchen, Clint and Bruce were chatting tiredly over what remained of their breakfasts; the obscenely smutty couple had (thankfully) taken their activities to the bedroom, where such activities damn well belonged. 

“So, that’s what, the third newbie this month?” Clint asked. 

“Fourth,” Bruce replied glumly. “I’m starting to think that Tony is sending our Director a subtle message.”

“To stop sending over teenage supers? Kind of, yeah.” 

They paused for a moment, Clint chewing thoughtfully on a croissant as Bruce drained the dregs of tea from his cup. 

“It isn’t as if I object to Loki’s presence,” Bruce admitted, “though the Other Guy does. That aside, these incidents beg the question… Why exactly is he here?”

“Getting blown by Tony stops Loki from blowing up the city every week,” Clint said matter-of-factly, “and thanks to Loki’s insane stamina, we don’t have to send Iron Dork to Sex Addicts Anonymous… AGAIN.” 

“Ah. Right.” 

The unlikely pair sighed in unison. Mornings were never truly pleasant in the Avengers Tower, but they were undeniably interesting. 

\---

… And that, dear friends, is why Spider Man never became an Avenger. 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> So, I got bored.
> 
> This is my first real attempt at seriously sassy dialogue, and I hope that I did okay.
> 
> As you can see, I'm opposed to Spider Man ever being a part of the Avengers team, at least in the movie canon. 
> 
> All feedback, comments, and advice are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!


End file.
